"It hurts to love wide open, stretching the muscles that feel as if they were made of wet plaster, then of blunt knives, then of sharp knives.

It hurts to stop the reflexes of grab, of clutch, to love and let go again and again. It hurts to have the lover whom is not in your bed, to hold back. To never have and never hold."

Date:	2005-04-12 08:47
Subject:	Things can only get better.......right?
Security:	Public
Mood:	sick

So I haven't posted in forever....whatever 8P. The last few weeks have been hellish for me. First, trying to deal with my horse. She has neurological damage to her spine. They are not sure how it happened but it is not reverse-able. I'm told she will never be normal but the good news is that as long as it doesn't affect her muscles, she won't have to be put down. Two days after hearing the news about my horse, I come down with a cough and wicked sore throat. Thinking it's just stress related I don't go to the Dr. or anything and am trying to convince myself it's gonna go away. A week and a half later, I still have a fever and now my lungs are making really weird sounds. So, head to the Dr. and turns out I have pneumonia *sigh*. Just waiting for the meds to kick in so I can get back to life lol.

Now some good news. My daughter was chosen to be a school helper for the remainder of the year. This is awesome for her self esteem and she is very excited for the chance to do this. This week, she is in charge of the computer department hehe. She is taking the responsibility very seriously and I am sooo proud of her!! 8)

P.S. Oh Jae, I Keep hearing that damned song now on the radio and it always makes me think of you *hugs* 8)



Peace

Date:	2005-03-24 16:38
Subject:	I'm in shock...
Security:	Public
Mood:	crushed

Today has been a very hellish day for me. I've found out what's wrong with my horse and it's not treatable. At this moment, to say I am merely upset and pissed off would just not suffice.

Ok, I'm gonna do something I saw Drayca do in his LJ. Ask me any four questions. I'll answer almost anything 8P. I know I don't post alot of personal info about myself so, if there's anything you are curious about, now's your chance!! Actually, I'll answer questions at any time really but saying "now's your chance" just sounds more dramatic! 8P


Peace

Date:	2005-03-17 08:44
Subject:	To much estrogen?
Security:	Public
Mood:	silly

I have 8 pets all together. Two horses, three cats, two dogs and a Siamese Fighting Fish. Now, all my pets with the exception of the fighting fish are female. This can make for a very temperamental house. Anyways, I think my fighting fish is gender confused..... I've been doing some reading about fighting fish and apparently, the males are suppose to release bubbles in the tank. This is for breeding purposes. Now, in the three years I have had this fish, I have NEVER noticed any bubbles. Go figure, I'm prolly the only person to have a non-sexual male fish!! Thinking about going to get a female fish to try and entice him into being a tad more manly 8P. Horse wise, I will never again buy female horses. I mean really, have you ever tried to deal with a 1200 pound female who's going thru pms!!! Every three weeks I seriously take my life into my hands when I try to deal with the one. So far I've been lucky, worse she's done to me is split my lip but has tried to kick, bite and throw me on more than one occasion hehe. I now have much more respect for men and the shit they have to put up with when it comes to us women. Ok, thats all, going to ride now 8)



Peace

Date:	2005-03-16 21:37
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	bored

Ok, I'm very bored at this moment so thought I would update. I leave in two days for a couple days out of town with a few g/f's YAY! I cannot wait!! Next week is spring break and my daughter will be going to her aunts for the week. It's a funny thing, I crave time to myself but when my daughter is somewhere else, I miss her sooo much. She brought her report card home today, she's in grade three 8), and continues to do very well. She's been playing with the little boy across the street from our house almost daily. It's really very great to see!

I am trying to decide whether or not to go away in the fall. There's a horse show in Ohio, it's one of the biggest in North America and I've been wanting to go see it now for a few years. My dilemma is this.....I would be making the trip by myself and altho I enjoy my own company, I'm not sure I have the guts to travel across the country by myself or not and then spend almost two weeks alone 8/. I only have another month to decide as the hotels in the area usually book up months in advance *sigh*. ok, I know I know, don't be such a wuss 8P I'm fairly sure I'm going but until I actually book it, I will doubt.


I'm still trying to shake the feelings of sadness I've had as of late. I've been trying to do different things, cut and changed my hair color, had my sister over for the weekend. I think I'm feeling a little better. Perhaps I am going to simply label it the "Winter Blues".

Oh!! I saw the movie Finding Neverland!! It was awesome and has re-affirmed something I already know....I am totally and completely in love/lust with Johnny Depp *sigh*. Now, normally I don't really care for famous people at all but man, he's almost freakin perfect and of course married to a very beautiful french model 8*( Life's not fair!

Watched To Kill A Mockingbird the other day on tv. I so love that movie, Gregory Peck played the perfect Atticus Finch. Or in my eyes he did anyways 8P

Oh, Jae, get on msn girl!!!! I've been looking for ya 8P

Peace

Date:	2005-03-13 15:17
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	moody

Ok, haven't updated in awhile and truthfully, I have nothing of any importance to say. May be going back to work a few days a week. Altho the money will be nice, the thought of having to be committed to something really irritates me to no end! I'm guessing it lasts about 6 months max lol.

Mostly have been spending my days playing with my horses. Oh!!! I started playing WoW a couple weeks ago. I'm having alot of fun with that game actually. It's way better than EQ, in my mind anyways.

I've taught the new puppy to sit. It's seeming to be easier than I had originally thought it was going to be. I'm thinking that my exp training horses has helped me with the training of the puppy, who knows lol 8P Perhaps I just have a super smart dog!!.

Going out of town next weekend with a few friends for some fun and relaxation. Ok, really only mad fun 8P I just have to say relaxation so I sound a tad respectable 8P. I think a weekend away will do me some good as I've been rather sad all week. Have no idea why really, I have just been crying at nothing and generally not interested in anything. I even only rode twice this past week when I usually ride at least 5 days a week. Just can't get myself into anything it would seem. Perhaps it's stress.....Anyways, ima going to go have a bottle of wine.


Peace

Well, yesterday I had quite possibly, one the scariest experiences of my life so far. It was late afternoon and I had gone up to the barn to feed my horse. I had only been up there for about 10 or 15 minutes and had left my daughter in the house with my mom. I heard some commotion from the house so peeked my head around the corner to see what was up. Now, it was at this point that I noticed some smoke in the area and my neighbors running towards my house. Upon further notice, I watched as flames shot up from the roof of my house. I am now running my fucking heart out towards the house as I know my daughter and my mom are in there. We get my daughter and mom out and realize that we have a chimney fire. Make the call to 911, and proceed to try and put the fire out. The fire trucks come etc the fire is put out and all is safe. The scariest thing about this whole situation is that with a chimney fire, you don't realize you have one until your actual house is burning, at that point it's often to late. My mom, whom was in the house, didn't even know we had a fire until the neighbors pounded on the door. Had it been in the middle of the night, I truly shudder to think about it. Thankfully, everyone is safe and nothing was damaged altho it still is quite smoky in the house and I am still feeling a tad stressed from the whole thing. I believe I will get pleasantly drunk tonight lol.


In other news, I am still doing very well. Keeping incredibly busy with my daughter and the horses. I've decided that I am a much happier person if I am kept busy. If I have to much time to sit around then my mind over works itself and I begin to think of things I prolly shouldn't be giving much thought to.

OMG!! I forgot, I have a new puppy!!! She is 9 weeks old and very sweet. My daughter named her Tarineece. We call her Neecy for short lol. I'll post some pics later if I have time 8)

Ok, thats all I have time for right now.


Peace

Date:	2005-02-18 16:26
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	cheerful

Well, I'm fairly bored so thought i would bore you all with a list of some of my favorite movies. In no particular order:


Last of The Mohicans: This movie is prolly close to being my #1 fav. I have watched it so many times now I know most of the words 8/

Queen Margot: ok, this is a french subtitled film. It's set around the St.Bartholomews massacre. Anyone who enjoys subtitled films should watch it, it's really very good. And ladies, there is also full frontal of a young Vincent Perez!!!

The Last Unicorn: Ok, call me dorky but I really love this one. Not sure if it's my fascination with unicorns or just that I love the message the movie portrays.


Six Degrees Of Separation: This one, I believe, was Will Smiths first movie and I was very skeptical when I sat down to watch it knowing he was in it. I was very surprised by the movie. Stockard Channing and Donald Sutherland star in the movie along with Will Smith and all three did awesome jobs on the acting.

Legend: Ok, once again my dorkiness is showing. Another fantasy/unicorn movie done in 86 starring Tom Cruise. I love fantasy stuff, what can I say!!! 8P


LoTR: All three I love, altho, I would have to say my favorite is The Two Towers. Now being an avid fantasy reader, I tried to read the book but found it to be extremely boring *sigh* I know, I'm going against the masses.



I have others but these are ones I actually own and watch again and again lol.



Once again, I've been seriously busy with things. Well, mostly the horse thing. Been riding every day and having awesome rides I might add!!! There's a show next month I am going to aim to go to. My horse going as well as she has been, should be ready for it yay!


My daughter is studying the Titanic in school and as a project she has decided to make a model of the Titanic sinking.....she wants to have bodies floating in the water in her model and i had to suggest that she pass on that as some people would prolly be offended. *sigh* She told me I was crushing her artistic mood!!!


Only a few more weeks till I go away with my sister and am obviously excited for that!! Not sure yet where we're gonna stay but prolly somewhere downtown I would think. I got my pics back from the party last weekend and judging from the pics, I was way more tipsy than I had originally thought. I'll try and post a few if I can figure out the scanner.

Ok, thats all for now




Peace

Date:	2005-02-16 08:42
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	happy

Well, I finally feel recovered from my weekend. It was awesome and the most fun I have had in a long time!! I of course, consumed far to many martinis but I was there with my girly and my man so knew I would be taken care of lol. It was all good 8).

Spent the day yesterday with a friend of mine and we drove about four hours away to the barn my horse trainer works from. While I was there, I got to talking with a vet from somewhere up island about my two year old horse that has been lame. He suggested a few things we could do to get her sound so, I am hoping to haul her up to where he is within the next couple weeks. I am kicking myself in the ass for not talking to him sooner as he seems to know what the problem is but oh well, whats a wasted month or two 8/. After being at my trainers place for the day, I am totally geared again to start showing this year. They are heading out in two weeks to haul down to Reno NV for a big show which I sadly won't be able to go to 8*(. I had planned on going to Ohio in Oct to watch a HUGE show but instead think I may haul down to Scottsdale AZ with them in Oct instead. Just depends how my horse is going. This would be the largest show I have ever competed at. It has over 10,000 entries and attracts people from all over North America. I'll keep my fingers crossed lol!


Valentines Day was ok. Nothing to exciting happened, just made a really nice dinner and my sister came over to spend the night also. It was nice and quiet 8). Ok, thats all the boring stuff I have for now.


Peace

Date:	2005-02-04 13:44
Subject:	Buckle me in on a highway to sin!
Security:	Public
Mood:	yet excited for a few things

I'm kidding!!! No, really I am 8P. Seriously tho, my girly and I are planning a little road trip. We had first talked about just going a couple hours away but have since decided to drive to Seattle instead. Just figuring out a few days we can both get away, then book the hotel, mix in some fun and everythings great!! Gonna do some shopping, prolly hit a few clubs, the usual girly stuff. I have a couple buddies who live in Seattle that have been asking me to come visit them, so perhaps I may try to find some time for that also.


Just waiting for "the other sister" to get here. She's alot of fun and I love her to pieces but my relationship with her is nothing as close as it is with my other sister. My girly, well, we always joke that we are actually twins separated by five years. Thats how close we are and how much we have in common. We are always doing that freaky esp stuff where she'll be thinking something and I will say it out of the blue etc etc. Happens to us all the time lol. So anyways, looking forward to having my other sister here for the weekend.


I listed my horse for sale today, so it's official now. I feel a bit torn about this in all honesty. While I know it's something I want/have to do, I'm still kinda sad to do so. I was going to list my car today also but well, I didn't want to give myself a cardiac arrest so am going to wait till next week prolly to list my car. Altho I will be replacing my car, I've had it for almost 6 years and it was my very first new car so that makes me rather sad also. Hmmm, perhaps I have attachment issues!!! Lol, Oh well. May also be selling my house, just waiting/hoping to see if a couple things to happen first. I really don't want to move but what do you do? Haven't said anything to anyone yet except my dad. My parents are having some financial difficulty right now and moved into my house last July. My mom will have a freak but she's fairly neurotic anyways so whatever. Anyways, Ima heading out now.



Peace

Date:	2005-02-03 22:03
Subject:	Yay for visitors!
Security:	Public
Mood:	cheerful
Music:	Swollen Members, Deep End

My sister is coming up to stay with me this weekend and I can hardly wait!! Tomarrow night we are just going to hang out here, drink some wine etc etc. Saturday prolly go do girly stuff. Looking forward to Sat night. We are going out for some drinks and well, things always manage to get rather silly after the about the fourth!! I'm such a cheap drunk!!!

In other news, one of my friends from EQ has installed and started playing EQ2. He talked his friends into going on one of the servers I have a toon on, so, I am looking forward to playing a bit again in the near future!!! Altho I enjoy the game, I do find it kinda boring just doing the solo thing 24/7.

Ok, I'm tired and thats all for now

Oh, by the way, I have drawn the conclusion that heavy physical labor sucks ass!!!! I'm soooo sore, I wanna cry! And, I have blisters on both my hands!!! ok, now thats all



Peace

Date:	2005-02-02 13:39
Subject:	Revive me please, I've just died of embarrassment.....
Security:	Public
Mood:	embarrassed

I went to the pharmacy today to renew my Thyroid prescription. Now, my friends and I have a standing joke that the only thing I am allergic to is commitment. It's obviously a joke and we joke about it alot. Anyways, I'm standing at the pharmacy counter and dude is taking my medical info and he asks me if I am allergic to anything.......without thinking about what I am saying, I reply "commitment". He just stares at me and keeps staring at me. Realizing what I have just said, I then just say "errr no, no allergies". *sigh* WTB a sense of humor!!!!



Peace

Date:	2005-01-30 22:23
Subject:	Ok, here's some about me
Security:	Public
Mood:	calm

** basics **

Name: Laura

Nickname: Possum or Lu

Location: La La Land

Gender: Female

Birthplace: hospital 8P

Birthstone: turquoise

Birthday: Dec. 17

Sign: Sag

Righty or Lefty: righty


** your looks **

Height: 5.5

Shoe size: 8

Hair Color: blonde

Hair Length: long

Eye Color: brown

Piercings: a few

Tattoos: four


** Favorites **

Color: blue

Season: summer

Ice cream: moosetracks


Quote: Lovers never parted never know loves highest bliss


Song: Lori Carson Snow Come Down

Movie: Last of The Mohicans

Kind of movies: Anything good with some history and love!

Place to be: anywhere with someone I love

Animal: horse

Food: i love salads

Shape: circle

Word: Aye

** love and relationships **

Sexual Preference:

Do you believe in love at first sight: yes

What do you look for in a guy/girl: sincerity,compassion,sensitivity,ability to love and show emotion

Best physical feature: doesn't matter

Best hair color: doesn't matter

Best eye color: doesn't matter

** randoms **

Do you paint your nails: no

What color is your tooth brush: blue


Do you like roller coasters: no

Do you do drugs: no

Are you a virgin: no

Do you have any pets: three cats, dog and two horses

What time do you go to sleep: I hardly ever sleep


Peace

While I find this list highly amusing, it is also sadly so very true!






FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you
need to shut up.

FIVE MINUTES
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five
minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before
helping around the house.

NOTHING
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should
be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"!

GO AHEAD
This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often
misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and
wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over
"Nothing"

THAT'S OKAY!
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a
man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before
deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're
welcome.



You have been warned boys, handle these words with extreme caution



Peace

Date:	2005-01-28 18:23
Subject:	Destiny?
Security:	Public
Mood:	accomplished
Music:	The Sundays, Wild Horses

Lately, I have been doing alot of thinking as I have previously stated about my life and such and I have decided that ultimately, I am the only one in control of what my future holds. In saying that, I am listing one and possibly both of my horses for sale. I contacted a broker in Texas who may have a couple clients interested in her. With the money I will get from selling her, I should be able to pay off a huge amount of my debt (almost 30k 8*( ). Once this is done, I am going to seriously sit down and rethink my life, the things I want and where I want to be. I am sick and tired of being chained to a life in which I have no escape because of financial issues. It ends with this new year. I want the opportunity to structure my life as I want it to be, not how it has to be. I want to be surrounded by people who love me for who I am and not for how I look or how far I can help them get with their own financial goals. All my life I have been searching for something which I have never found. Perhaps, now I have. Perhaps, this person has merely shown me that there may be something more for me or maybe my path leads to them. I don't know. Alot of things happen over the course of time and that which should have been can almost instantly turn into regret. I don't want that to be the story of my life. I don't want to look back and say "If I only had.....". So, I will move one step at a time and make sure my destiny is that which I have chosen, not wait for it to choose me.

Jewel, 1000 Miles Away

It's morning time, wonder where you are -
wonder who you're talking to
wonder if the sun has risen where you are
it's morning time, i want your hands on my skin
this bed's too big without you
oh god, what do i do?
I'm a thousand miles away but I'm lying next to you.

The sun shines golden, and I feel like my car
a little run down, a little beat up, maybe just a little green
maybe it's my battery, maybe it's my starter,
maybe my heart's too weak
there's just this feeling, thought I had to get going
got too scary, got too big, got to get out of here
but now i don't know how to get home.
oh god, what do I do?
I'm a thousand miles away but I'm lying next to you

but love is not a rational thing, and my heart is beyond advice
no, love is not a rational thing
oh god, what do I do?
I'm a thousand miles away but I'm lying next to you.

these fields stretch out like patchwork, on my granny's quilt
she used to tell me that
"life is a series of strange and mysterious things
one minute you think you're up, the next you find you're down"
your mind says "girl, you gotta stick around"
but your heart says "I'm too weak in the knees"
oh god, what do I do?
I'm a thousand miles away but I'm lying next to you


Peace

Date:	2005-01-28 00:13
Subject:	Yet another sleepless night.....
Security:	Public
Mood:	awake

Well, here I am sleepless again. So, I thought I would post. Not entirely sure what about but something none the less. In fact, I can be fairly competent at rambling so I am sure I will have a page full of long drawn out boring info soon enough 8P.

Let me start with my horse. Vet thinks she may know what it is, told me how to fix it. If no improvement is noted within two weeks, then she goes for x-rays. Hmm, the one good thing about this is......I have to trot my horse up hill for 30 minutes a day, every day. She is not broke yet just turning two and all, which means, I also will have to run up hills for 30 minutes every day. My ass is going to be so friggin hard you will be able to bounce , well, something off it anyways 8P. My other horse (the bitchy one who would rather eat me than look at me) is being surprisingly pleasant the last couple days. It is my belief, since I know of all her deviant ways , she is merely trying to lure me into a false sense of safety and once I let my guard down, BANG!! she'll get me *sigh* If she wasn't so bloody pretty, I'd sell her.

I have recently found I have many, many thoughts running thru my head (not that I didn't before 8P). Not bad, not good, just thoughts. And purely just random thoughts (well, obviously they are not so random that they do not pertain to me). So, I have been writing them down as I think of them. Thats why I can't sleep tonight. I was laying in my bed, my cat sprawled across my chest as she does every night, wide awake and very sleep deprived, with these silly little phrases passing thru my mind. I find it almost amusing, being as emotional as I am, it's very difficult to actually express how I feel, yet in my mind the words are so readily available. Which is why I have decided to write it all down. Perhaps make some sense of what I feel. Or not, who knows!

I miss my sister, from this point on in this journal she will be referred to as my girly(don't ask). She has been my best friend for the past 18 years. A year and a half ago I moved to a different town and well, it really sucks. I get to see her maybe once a month. I am going to try and make it up there at least one night every two weeks. That would make me feel better 8). Being anti-social does have it's price I guess.


Well, my hunny doesn't seem to be waking up and I am bored with my journal now so, if you're still reading this, I bid you a goodnight.


Peace

Date:	2005-01-26 12:25
Subject:	unknowns.....
Security:	Public
Mood:	worried

Well, just had someone out to look at my 2 year old horse who has been lame the last while. I am told, definitely something wrong, as to what, they don't know. So, I am having another vet come out tomarrow and I am prolly going to have to fork out hundreds of dollars to have x-rays done. At this point, I am fairly worried about it. With horses, when there is a problem that can't be found without x-rays, it's never good. The thing that sucks is that, I will do whatever I have to, to remedy whats wrong. I didn't save this little horse from the slaughter house just to have her in pain. Needless to say, until I know the problem, I am going to be very anxious.

Even with not feeling well as of late and the above problems, I am still very happy and peaceful. I am thankful for all I have and for those who continue to love me, despite the fact, I am at times, an emotional roller coaster. I hope they know know that.

"To love for the sake of being loved, is human. To love for the sake of love itself, is selfless"


Peace

Date:	2005-01-25 23:18
Subject:	movies and stuff
Security:	Public
Mood:	happy

I must start out this entry by saying what I great mood I have been in the last couple days. The reason, well, I don't need to get into it but I am feeling very peaceful as of late 8).

Ok, watched a couple movies tonight. The first was Napoleon Dynamite and quite honestly, I went in thinking I would walk back out within the first 10 minutes. I actually giggled almost the whole way thru. I believe, the people I was watching the movie with were laughing at me. Ok, there were a couple parts in the movie where they kinda looked at me and suggested I did the same thing they were portraying in the movie and well, they were calling me a huge geek!! Anyways, the movie made me laugh so it's all good.

The second movie was The Forgotten. I had goosebumps thru out most of the movie. It wasn't really scary but I think I really related to it as a mom and the thought of losing my daughter, well, it's the scariest thing I could ever think of. It was pretty good.

After taking the last few months off from riding, I am going to begin riding again next week. Show season starts in a few months and I would love to do as well this year as I did last year. I ended up making some money and won four year end high points for my region which I am still totally shocked about. Happy but shocked lol. One of my horses, my favorite of course, has been sore the last little while and I have someone coming to take a look at her tomarrow. I am keeping my fingers crossed it's just going to be a growth thing and nothing more serious 8/. Anyways, I'm tired and going to sleep now


Peace

Date:	2005-01-25 19:11
Subject:	Journal Access....
Security:	Public
Mood:	peaceful

I have decided to make some of my journal friends only for no other reason than I write about some fairly personal things here. If you'd like to have access, you know what to do 8) Oh, by the way, I had an awesome day today!!!


Peace